Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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