Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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