can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
