I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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