My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Two words: blizzard sex
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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