Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
