Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
