I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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