i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i think im in europe. pls send help
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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