I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize