Soap is not a condiment
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
