My hand turned me down
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
