Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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