Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
