My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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