Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
