Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize