I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
