i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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