sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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