um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
cat food counts as protein by the way
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
