Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
