The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
