fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
