Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
