I just pynch a tree in the face
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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