I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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