Got a toothbrush?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
