One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
