i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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