News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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