The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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