Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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