hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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