he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
