I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
