i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
