i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
