i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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