I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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