Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I need to sanitize my soul.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
