Whatcha textin bout Willis?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
