Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
