sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
