The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
