the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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