you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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