Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I love having hate sex.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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