y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
