Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Oh god it's open bar.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize