your thong is hanging out like whoa
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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