Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
