I am puke
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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