Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
