My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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